nightmare.

My friend and I were driving in a 4-wheeler down a small, wooden pier. He starts going faster, and faster, until we reach the end of the pier. He slams on the brake, and I fly into the murky water, screaming and flailling. A fish, the size of a school bus, swims at me as fast as it could. I'm crying now. I think about drowning myself. I don't want to feel getting swallowed whole. But it's too late, it's like a giant eel, and it bites me at my midsection. It tears into my waist with vicious teeth, and swings me back and forth. I'm surrounded in bloody water, and I'm losing conciousness fast. I stopped beating the fish with my fists, I knew it wasn't helping anymore. Suddenly, the fish swims away. I won't survive, I know it. I look around for help from my friend, but somehow I'm in the middle of the ocean. There is no land or pier in sight for miles. I have been left to die here, covered in blood, my legs completely immobilized by the attack. As I drift upon the waves, I cry. Then I wake up.
I've had this dream almost 5 times now. It's making my aquaphobia even worse.
I'm able to go on a boat, though. I still have minor panic attacks when the boat rocks too much, or when we bounce over waves. My mother and sister went tubing yesterday; there's no way in hell I would ever do that. I'm better in the shower now, too. I'm getting more comfortable with washing my hair. But it's still a little scary.

I'm not here. I don't exist.
What is color? A visual deception. Our eyes are fake. We see only what we want to see. Nothing is fact. Up is down, blue is 13. Crazy talk? Or am I making sense?
No one really exists. It's all in our minds. What minds? There is no such down...
There is no God, no earth, no you, no me. No senses, so superstitions.
I'm not here. I don't exist.

cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

On the road right now, going to Ocean City. hopefully some sun will help bring up my mood. none of my friends were able to go with me this weekend :(
there's a chance it'll be raining most of the weekend though. So I'll be able to sit out on the beach alone, maybe play my acoustic under an umbrella.
There's lots of accidents out here today. I often think about getting in a car crash. I wonder if I'll live, if I'll be crippled, or decapitated. Maybe the person who crashes into us will be drunk, or maybe sober and just really tired. All I'll hear is a gasp, cussing, then breaks. I won't hear the crash. Then, I'll hear nothing. I'll open my eyes and see blood and broken glass everywhere. I'm too sore to cry. In the other car, the man's head hangs over, and he cries. He cries, "It was only one drink..." or, "I knew it was too late to be driving, I kept dozing off..." When the police and paramedics come, I'm the first one to be pulled out of the twisted heap of steel.
I'm getting too into detail with this. It just shows how bad my anxiety is, and how crazy my imagination can get.
Write more later today.

claustrophobia;;

My friend was talking about how she would never be able to go on a cruise; "It'd be fun the first day, but by the second day, I would realize that I can't get off the ship."
Holy shit, she's right.
After she said that, I started thinking about how scary it really would seem. And then I compared it to the world. I had a major break down in bed.
I just started hyperventilating, and realized I'm stuck;
"I'm stuck on this planet."
There's whole other universes out there, an endless amount of other worlds, and I'm stuck on this one.
I started crying, and whispering "I want to get off," but nothing happened.
No one was listening. No one ever listens.

I think I'm gonna start drawing again. My school has this exhibit right at the front doors, and there is GORGEOUS drawing of a really attractive asian girl, with sexy hair and a sexy lip ring to match. It inspired me to try drawing again.

In my past therapy sessions, Dr. A kind of turned writing and drawing into a chore. "You can use it as a coping method! Draw when you feel lonela! Write a story when you feel suicidal!" Blech. Or, maybe it's just the lack of interest in most things now.

I'm chewing on my fake nails.

So, as of today (or whenever I made Absense of Colors.), I realized you can have more than one blog on your account! I feel so dumb, haha. Oh well.

Basically, the contrast from this blog to Legilimens is that this is solely what's going on in my head. All of the mental problems I have, all of the struggles I face every day, I get to share it with you! :)

Well, I can't wait to start sharing all this stuff with you, haha, but I have run out of time. (Yes, it took me so long just to type this little post. Shows how ADD I really am, haha.) I'll post an actual, meaningful blog probably within the next 2 days or so. Until then!